chasmodai | Recent Entries

I recently was attending an online group meditation with some long-time friends via zoom. The meditation triggered strong memories of past gatherings - the smell of wet grass and bonfire smoke mixed with incense, voices singing harmonies, sweet wine, soft hugs, and sparkling eyes. More than sight, smell, taste, and touch, there is the emotional sensation, like the feeling when the circle is cast and the mundane world seems to disappear.

I treasure these memories now, and they mean more to me than things. Sometimes I review them in my mind, almost as if I am taking inventory.

I remember the day we went to the movies as a family. We saw Spiderman, and my son Logan was about six. He rode out of the theater on my husband's shoulders, his legs stretched straight out in front of him like Spiderman flying through the air, and as they traveled through the lobby of the theater, my son "webbed" everyone they passed, pointing the heel of his hand at people, squealing with glee. As he "webbed" people, they smiled, their faces lighting up at his joy.

This past Mother's Day, we went to the garden center to buy flats of flowers to put out in planters on our front deck, and I will always cherish the feeling of quiet contentment that I felt as my husband and two of my sons silently worked beside me planting the flowers.

I will always remember being a small child and playing with my friend Fran. I will always remember her expression when her eyes lit up as we were playing. It was the first time in my life I ever noticed a person's eyes lighting up, and I remember how that made me feel.

Not all memories are pleasant. However, I think all of them are important. I also think that sometimes when people have trouble letting go of things, what they are really assigning value to is what those things represent. I think that those things represent memories. It's the memories that matter.

About six months ago, we began the process of moving from our home in southern Nevada, to the front range of Colorado. I have been looking forward to experiencing four seasons again. In the high desert of Southern Nevada, snow is rare, and it's summer six months out of the year - which is great if you can withstand triple digit heat in the height of summer. My husband and I found early spring and late fall weather to be perfect, but in the extreme heat we rarely went outside and gave up on gardening and most other outdoor pursuits. Winters here in Colorado are more extreme, but summers are milder, and I have been thinking that it's easier to add more layers for warmth than it is to cope with extreme heat.

So I envisioned a "white Christmas" and summers that are warm but not too hot. I hadn't thought much about spring. I guess I expected the weather to be cool but not freezing in March, but that's not what happened. The freezes didn't stop until mid-April, and it didn't start to warm up until around Mother's Day. And then,m last weekend, which was the weekend after Mother's Day, we were surprised by another snowstorm, with overnight lows below freezing. I wondered about all of the plants that everyone set out on Mother's Day. I asked a local about this, and she said that around here, people do start setting out their plants on Mother's Day, but it isn't foolproof and there is no guarantee that the weather will cooperate each year. I am learning.

I find myself wanting to connect deeply with the climate here - to understand it, respect it, and adapt to it. Most of all, I want to enjoy it.

I have been thinking about working with child energy in magick. We are all familiar with the idea of working with a mother goddess, a crone goddess, or a father god. But a child? I have been looking, and the only reference to a child goddess that I can find is the Kumari Devi of Nepal, and that's not quite what I've been looking for. This is because the Kumari is an omniscient living goddess inhabiting the body of a child, and that child is no longer allowed to be a child while the goddess inhabits her body.

There are also goddesses who protect children, such as Madder Aka, Juno, and many others. But I was looking for a child god or goddess, and so far haven't found one.

So why work with child energy? In the past, the beloved group that I circled with would sometimes have a ritual at Ostara that involved waking up Mother Earth. We would invite the parents to bring their children to circle in Fairie costumes, chaplets of flowers on their heads, as we encouraged them to just be children and prance around the circle, making as much noise as they wanted, and just doing the cute things that young children and toddlers do. We would often comment on how much that child energy brought to the circle. Not all of our rituals were appropriate for children, not necessarily because they were R rated, (although they sometimes could be,) but because we dealt in subject matter that was not of interest to children, and because we often needed to focus and concentrate at a level that wasn't possible for young kids. But sometimes, at Ostara, the children brought in a much-needed innocence, sense of play, and freshness that's hard to find any other way.

During the pandemic, it was no longer practical to have group rituals and invite young children, and I began to wonder how I could bring child energy into an online Zoom circle without the presence of young children. And then I remembered – we all have a child inside us, just like we all have all of the archetypes within us. So I began to think about what it would mean to work with child energy.

I began to think that child energy would be a very useful and powerful magick to work with. It could help bring balance, joy, and creativity. It could help lighten the burden of living in a world of pandemic and climate change, illness, war, and financial strife. It could help eliminate some of the anxiety of trying to live up to social norms. It could be soothing and healing. It could be a great way to reset, start fresh, and balance the crone and sage within.

As soon as I began to research the topic I began to see hundreds of hits for "healing the inner child." One potential downfall to working with child energy is that many of us may have childhood trauma that could be triggered by accessing child energy. If this applies, maybe it would be a good idea for the person to do inner child work with a therapist prior to delving into child energy magick.

As I contemplated on the practice of working with child energy, I began to realize that there is another potential setback, at least for me. And that is that children, while completely innocent, may lack internal regulation that prevents them from making mistakes that could cause harm. We've all seen the innocent child in the grocery store, having a tantrum or loudly asking why that man over there smells funny. As a mother, I've had to keep my children running into cars, eating too much candy, or staying up later than what is good for them. Sometimes, if I were to eat more ice cream than is good for me in one serving, I may feel a little bit like my inner child is taking over a bit too much.

I've come to the conclusion that in order to work with child energy, it's a good idea to first make sure that you are equipped to handle any trauma that may surface in the process, (if any) and to also work with a parent or mother goddess or god while working with child energy. A mother or parent archetype may have a gentle, protective, regulating effect.

I am still exploring the possibilities for working with child energy in magick. I have an inkling that it has something to do with the act of playing, doing nothing but pretending and making believe and exploring for its own sake, with bliss being the only agenda. It's going to take some experimentation. I imagine I could start with inner child work, which is something I have a great deal of personal experience with. However, I wouldn't want to try to guide someone else in inner child work, because I am not a therapist.

I have lived in Las Vegas, Nevada, for most of my adult life. I raised all three of my sons here, carved out a life, and made some deep and lasting friendships. There is much to love about Las Vegas. For example, some of the best dining and entertainment in the world can be found on the Strip. While excessive heat can sometimes cause flight delays, The McCarran International Airport is almost never shut down due to inclement weather. Near Indian Springs Nevada, a little over 45 miles from Las Vegas, there is a temple to the Goddess Sekhmet which is unlike anything else in the world. There is a wonderful community of hundreds of people who practice different paths of earth-based spirituality, and we gather together sometimes under the stars. There is an annual Rennaissance Festival each October. There are farmer's markets and plenty of outdoor activities with Mount Charleston, Valley of Fire, Red Rock Canyon National Conservation Area nearby. Hot springs and ghost towns can easily be explored on a day trip.

How do you attract people to a desert? You make things legal that are illegal everywhere else. Historically, Nevada was a rather lawless state, starting out as the first state to legalize gambling and quick legal divorces. Prostitution is still legal in some counties. Next, you create what is arguably the most business-friendly tax structure in the nation. This creates a lot of jobs, which draws more people. Of course, the tax structure means that the schools are some of the most underfunded in the nation, and it shows as Nevada is 50th in the nation for education and 25th for academic achievement. I've often heard it said that for those who make the laws here, it doesn't matter, because their kids go to private schools.

At times, the "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" free-wheeling attitude can seem to border on darkness. Driving home from work on the freeway each day, I used to pass a billboard for a topless club, which displayed a different offensive and misogynistic ad each day, like, "Hate your wife? You don't have to bring flowers to our girls!" and, "Our lap dancers never ask for an apology!"

Politically, Nevada is a purple state. Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Joe Biden won the last three elections here, but not by a wide margin. I've always felt that the strong conservative showing in Nevada seems like a reaction to the libertarian laws about 24-hour drinking, gambling, and prostitution. Since Nevada became a state, there have been 14 Republican governors, 12 Democrats, 2 Silver-Democratic, and 2 Silver party governors. The Silver party and Silver-Democratic party became inactive in 1911.

In a way, I regret raising my children here. In a way, I don't. Summers here are not the same as summers where I grew up. Children don't play outside here in triple-digit heat. Occasionally one might see a group of children sitting listlessly under a tree, but for the most part, they are indoors for the summer. That's sad in my view. And while the education and accommodation my special needs son received, the amazing qualities of his teachers, his overall outcome was better than he would have received elsewhere, I feel that my other two sons were shortchanged when it comes to education.

Each summer my husband and I would hibernate, lamenting the impossible heat, gearing up for brief trips outside armed with water bottles, wet towels, hats, sunglasses, and slathered with sunblock. I have friends who complain when the weather turns cold, but I've always felt that it's easier to add layers than to remove enough clothing to be comfortable in excessive heat.

And often, my husband and I would talk of someday when we move away from Southern Nevada. Someplace with greener grass and cooler weather. My parents live in Colorado and are deeply rooted there. Why not there? Someday. It's hard to move out of a state that you've lived in for decades, tied by employment and a mortgaged home. It's so difficult and complicated.

And then things began to happen. The kids became adults. I began to work from home, and then the pandemic made my husband's employment completely virtual also. Our parents began to show signs that they really need to have us nearby. The temple that I used to adore going to has a founder who made public transphobic statements, breaking my heart and making it impossible to ever go back there. Just before the pandemic hit, the earth-based community that I've been a part of for 25 years decided to take a hiatus from public gatherings. Suddenly, many of the strands began to fall away. We can go anywhere, be anywhere. I'm sad. I will miss it here. But I also think that many of the things that tied me here were the things that I will miss the most, and most of those things are gone.

This morning, shortly after 5:00 am, the power went out. I was letting Anya the dog out and heard a boom, then everything went black. Of course, the electronics started beeping, so Logan woke up. I explained the power went out and suggested he go back to bed, and he said, "Power back on." I explained a worker has to fix it. It will take a while. He said, "Take a while? Fix it now!" I said, "Well, the worker has to get out of bed, get dressed, get his breakfast and his coffee, put his hard hat on, and go to where the power is broken. Then he has to call his boss and say it's a big problem and he's going to need help. His boss will send another repairman, and he will have to get dressed, drink his coffee . . ." By this time Logan was laughing. So we got in the car and drove through pitch-black neighborhoods until we got to where the signs were lit up, and found a drive-through. I ordered him the biggest breakfast they have, and we came back home. I lit candles, laid out his breakfast, and sat across from him and watched him eat. I always love to watch him eat, after 18+ years of taking him to occupational therapy where he learned to chew and swallow. So many unconscious movements go into processing food in our mouths so we can swallow it, you would never know until someone can't do it.
As I reflected on the many wonderful people that made Logan's survival and quality of life possible - the specialists, the special ed teachers, the doctors and surgeons, therapists, and the caseworkers I felt my eyes well up with gratitude. Then the power came back on about an hour and twenty minutes after it went out, and it was as if a spell was broken. Logan said, "Good job, repairman."

Current Mood: contemplative

For the past several days, I've been thinking a great deal about empathy. Many people have said that Donald Trump lacks empathy. I agree that I haven't seen any evidence that he is capable of empathy. Many of his followers seem to lack empathy too, in their unwillingness to wear masks to protect others, and in the way they are more concerned about the fact that people are protesting in the streets than the reasons for the protests. I think that empathy is something that sets us apart. But having empathy doesn't mean "weak." It doesn't mean "giving in." It doesn't mean agreement. It doesn't even mean forgiveness. It's a willingness to acknowledge the humanity in another, even if they are immoral, criminal, or misguided. We can have empathy, be strong, and stand on our principles. Not everyone is capable of empathy, but for those of us who are, it can be like a muscle that gets stronger with use. I think that one of the things that will help us to survive the catastrophic virus and catastrophic climate change etc. will be empathy, combined with resolve. I would like to suggest that we can even have empathy for Donald Trump. Consider the hell it must be to walk in his shoes - a need for approval so desperate that he lies about his approval ratings and the numbers who turn up for his events. A presidency that is such a miserable failure that his only campaign message is one of fear propaganda. So next time I am tempted to angrily tell off a Trump supporter, I'm going to try to speak the truth with empathy instead. I'd like to encourage others to join me, and let me know how it goes.

People have been asking me how I can have empathy for a monster. Here is my answer: I'm not perfect. No one is. There have been times when I could have been kinder or more generous. I've only started to get "woke" in the last 20 years. I was even a Republican before I knew better. I'm not making excuses for Trump. He's a monster. But the humanity in me recognizes that he is also human. Empathy helps me, not him because it helps me cope with my feelings of disgust and anger. I will not vote for Trump. But I also will not gloat and dance with glee when he experiences defeat and the consequences of his actions. I may celebrate that we don't have to cope with four more years of suffering, but I will not celebrate the suffering of anyone, not even a monster.

I've recently been treated for a urinary tract infection, and now I'm experiencing pain in the kidney area. In addition, I had an ultrasound of my thyroid and was told that I have nodules on my thyroid. No idea what kind of nodules or what the treatment is yet. It might explain why I have felt so fatigued and foggy-headed lately.

I think that some people tell us who they are with their behavior, and no matter how we feel about it, it's not within our power, nor is it our role or responsibility to change them. If they want to change, they could probably do so with the help of a therapist. If we hang on to the idea that we want them to change, then maybe it's better to adjust our expectations. In other words: It's always a choice to confront problematic behavior that isn't any of our business. However, it's possible that they like themselves the way they are and aren't going to adhere to unsolicited feedback. Better to invest that energy in relationships that are worth the time.

The Temple of Goddess Spirituality Dedicated to Sekhmet in Indian Springs Nevada has been a special place for me for 25 years. I have recently felt deeply conflicted between my love for the temple, the land and what it means to me, and recent events that conflict with my personal values. My sadness at the knowledge that I may never go back there is almost at the level of grieving.

A coworker introduced me to the temple in 1995, when I explored the temple and grounds for the first time. Later, the first ritual I attended there was an OTO ritual held in on the land in front of the temple. In January of 1996, I ended a relationship with a guy whom I found out was seeing someone else behind my back. In solitude, I went to the Temple and burned all of our correspondence and my journal entries about him - back then we still wrote on paper with ink. As the papers burned, I asked the Goddess for someone who was right for me, and for the good of all concerned. I didn't have anything specific in mind, just what was right for me and right for the other person and everyone else. This might sound crazy, but Her presence felt strong in that temple as I burned those letters. Coincidentally, at around the same time, my now-husband Michael was "sending out to the universe" that he was ready for a relationship, and we were dating by February, living together by April. Since then, we've had two children together and have been together for 24 years.

At the time in 1996, I was seeking a group of like-minded individuals with whom I felt comfortable and with whom I could celebrate and explore my earth-based spiritual path. It wasn't easy. I joined a local group in town called Desert Moon Circle, and my experiences there were so joyful that I never felt a desire to formally join the group at the temple. Still, I went to the temple several times a year, to commune with nature and the Goddess, to meditate, to experience the peace of the area, and to attend the festivals and larger events that were held by other groups in the area.

Caretaker and priestess Patricia Pearlman became a good friend, and she presided over my youngest son's baby blessing in the fall of 2001, along with close friends from Desert Moon Circle. Patricia had explained to me that the temple was a place for the Divine Feminine, intended to balance out the toxic masculine war energy coming from the nearby Nevada Nuclear Test site. For that reason, there were no images of male Gods inside the temple, and no male priests served the Goddess of the temple, only female priestesses. When I let Patricia know that it was important to me that we call both the Goddess and the God into my son's blessing circle, she said we could hold it on the land in front of the temple rather than inside the temple, and that's what we did. I still remember several visits to her home by the temple, chatting and drinking tea, and visiting the guest house, where women could go for respite. Later, when I was also involved with the CUUPS group Agave Spirit Grove, we held a weekend retreat at the guest house. The thing that was so special about Patricia was that she met people where they are and then looked for ways to be of service, rather than expecting others to pay homage to her. Patricia's acceptance, kindness, and generosity was always an inspiration. In the early 2000's I began to attend Interfaith Council forums with her, and when she became ill I was honored when she asked me to take her place at some of some those forums, representing earth-based spirituality. We remained friends until her death in 2004.

After Patricia's passing, I continued to remain connected to the Temple through the priestesses Anne Key and Candace Kant, and attended a couple of the Sekhmet Festivals at the Temple. I wrote a hymn to Hathor, which was translated into Egyptian by a friend, and then rewritten for Sekhmet for one of the Sekhmet festivals:

Nisen tu, Sekhmet
Khebi Henan, Sekhmet
Sankhetch en, Sekhmet
Meritch en, Sekhmet

Roughly translated, it means, "Come to us Sekhmet, Dance with us Sekhmet, Nourish us Sekhmet, Bless us Sekhmet."

By the time Candace Ross became temple priestess, I had ceased many of my volunteer activities in the community, and spent less time at the temple, although I still attended the annual Bone Dance Event led by Desert Moon Circle, and the Wickerman rituals at Lammas, led by Desert Moon circle, as well as other workshops, retreats, and gatherings, and I continued to stop by on occasion to enjoy the quiet and sit with the Goddess.

For me personally, while I feel a connection to the Goddess, my spirituality calls for a balance of masculine and feminine Gods and Goddesses, and rather than removing men from the priesthood, I believe it's best to bring them to the table so that we can be equal together. I believe that men can help end oppression too. As a feminist who was raising my three sons to be feminists, I did not wish to teach them that they could not serve the Gods/Goddesses in any way they choose, including as priests if that was their choice. As a woman, I had been denied opportunities, and I didn't think that the solution was to deny opportunity, no matter anyone's gender. For this reason, while I visited the temple many times over the years, I could not fully dedicate myself to the temple. My relationship with the temple felt a bit complicated because while I felt a deep and profound connection to it, and while it was a part of the larger community and the groups I was involved with led gatherings there, I felt conflicted about the temple policies concerning the exclusion of male participation. I had been fighting for equal rights and equal opportunities for myself all my life, and it to me it would feel hypocritical to treat men as less than equal. I could not agree that the solution to the imbalance of representation in society was an imbalance of representation in sacred space. Without realizing it, women can be patriarchal and toxic too, and people of all genders need to learn a new way of being, a new way of inclusive decision making, shared leadership, and nonviolent communication. Awareness and intention matter far more than gender. I have to admit that at the time I was still thinking in binary terms, and the greater truth is that gender should be of no consequence.

Once, while experiencing this conflict, I sat in front of the statue of Sekhmet in the temple and meditated. In my mind, I let Her know that I was sorry that I didn't come out more often. It is over an hour's drive away from the city, and that's a lot of time and a lot of gas. I thanked her in my mind for all that she has shown me and done for me over the years. And in my mind, she said, "You don't have to come out here. You keep a temple for me in your heart. You can make a shrine to me in your home." I immediately saw the truth in that. At some time later, vandals carried off the statue of Sekhmet and destroyed it. A new statue was put in its place, and others placed copies of the same statue in their gardens in the city. I couldn't afford a life-sized statue of the goddess - my altar to Sekhmet was a bookshelf, and her statue was only a few inches tall. The theft of the statue was a terrible thing, and it took time to adjust to the replacement, but it underscored an important point - Sekhmet is not just a place, and not just a statue.

Recently, it became known that the founder of the temple is of the belief that transgender females are not women, and as men, cannot serve the temple as priestesses. When I found out, I was heartbroken. This goes far beyond the exclusion of men. I try to act according to my conscience, and I cannot support any effort that discriminates against anyone, especially transgender women. If someone is a woman, they are a woman, regardless of gender at birth. While I still feel tied to the land where the temple sits and to the Goddess there, and while I have many memories there - burning the letters and asking for the deepest desire of my heart, dancing around the fire with friends until the sun came up, watching my dear friend Katlyn plant my son's feet in the earth for the first time, weekend retreats where friends shared their epiphanies, making friends, of burning the Wickerman each year for several years at Lammas, bringing my parents out there so that they could understand what I do and believe, teaching my sons about the Goddess, visiting the hidden spring, walking the labyrinth, singing to the sun as it rose, bringing offerings for the temple as well as donations and furniture for the guest house, watching Patricia's ashes flying on the wind - literally hundreds of formative experiences - I know that I have been having these experiences without knowing of transphobic beliefs of the founder. Now that I know, I can never go back. Even though my love for the Goddess is far deeper than any connection with the founder of the temple, and hundreds of people have had their own connection to the temple, to the Goddess, and to the land, and though I love so many of those people who go there, I cannot support the founder's views in any way. People might argue that the founder was absent and it was run by her priestesses, and the beliefs and contributions of the community that shared it are far more relevant. But the world is rife with hatred, corruption, greed, discrimination, and oppression, and the only thing I can do is support the places that further causes of love and acceptance, and avoid those that do not. The founder believes that she is creating a more loving and generous society by only allowing cisgender women to be in leadership roles, but in my experience, her way is a corruption of love and generosity that taints everything it touches. I remember what Sekhmet said to me in meditation - I carry Her with me in my heart, and I keep a temple to her in my home.

Recently I found a statue of Sekhmet that I like much better than the small bookshelf one. It's 11" high, and gorgeous. I've purchased it, and it's on the way. I'll need to find a place for her altar. This pandemic has been a time of many changes. When things change, we don't benefit from dwelling on the past. We must go toward the future.

I haven't been blogging, which doesn't make sense since I love to blog. But it seems odd to not blog about the biggest pandemic of this century. We started to hear about Covid-19 in January when the first case was reported in the United States. I remember we went to see Sarah McLachlan on February 21, and sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with other fans, briefly worrying that when people coughed that they might be carriers.

In March, when Governor Sisolak declared a state of emergency in Nevada, we began to shelter in place. Since that time, we have been mostly staying home and having necessities delivered, with the exception of an occasional Sunday drive or trip to Costco or the hardware store. We go out so infrequently that when we do go out, it seems surreal and a little disorienting. When we do go out, we take all of the precautions, including masks, hand sanitizers, tissues in case we need to touch our face, breath mints. We have face shields but haven't started using them yet. I think I might start using a shield over my mask- maybe it will start a trend.

We are fortunate that both my husband and I are able to work from home and my youngest son can also attend college from home. My heart goes out to all of the people who have been laid off. I find my job to be very stressful, but still, I am thankful.

Our disabled son has life-threatening medical conditions that make it very dangerous for him to contract the virus. He has been unable to attend the adult daycare program where he typically goes during the day. Although I am his primary caregiver, my husband, and youngest son, and I share the responsibilities for his care. I would not be able to do it alone and work full time. Also, because he is an adult male, I have stepped back from his more intimate personal care, and my husband provides that. Recently I was called for jury duty, but I received an exemption. Normally I would be glad to perform jury duty for my community, but at this time my disabled son's situation is just too tenuous.

I have been having nightmares. It's terrifying to me to consider that I might lose someone that I love. I absolutely HATE IT when people tell me, "then stop watching the news." That's bullshit. The media is not the problem. The problem is that there is an actual, factual virus that is highly transmissible and is causing people to need hospitalization. Let's forget about the death rate for a moment. Let's just think about those lucky people who only get off with a hospital stay and a big hospital bill. Now, that's pretty damned awful, but now, what about those people who will never fully recover? Those people with permanently damaged lungs, brain damage, or strokes? How about those people who are cheered on as they leave the hospital because they survived - but they will be partly disabled for the rest of their lives? And then of course, there is a high death rate. All of this would be bad enough, except there are so many selfish people who are more concerned about their personal comfort than the fact they might be asymptomatic carriers and spreading the disease to others? As far as I am concerned, EVERY person I see outside of my home is a potential carrier, and if they are not wearing a mask - I do not care what their excuse is - then they are a person who doesn't give a crap about anyone but themselves. Period. This is especially true of the self-entitled idiot who threw a tantrum because she couldn't get service in a Starbucks because she wasn't wearing a mask. That type of behavior is disgusting. Don't even try to convince me otherwise - ti won't work. No wonder I am having nightmares. I try to remember what Fred Rogers said: "Look for the helpers." If I didn't think about those wonderful individuals who provide essential services - while practicing safe measures - I don't know what I would do.

This pandemic has me feeling a bit like Sleeping Beauty. I feel like I have been so overwhelmed by the fact that people are sick and dying and the crisis is so badly mismanaged, and so many people are reacting so selfishly and irrationally, that my life is not the same. The situation is taking up part of my brain activity.

I'm usually a very goal-oriented person, but right now it seems my main goal is, "Help make sure my family members survive the pandemic." Everything else can wait. The good news is, lately the nightmares are fewer and less intense.

I am a cis born woman. From my birth, certain limitations and expectations have been placed on me. Over the decades, I have withstood domestic violence, workplace harassment, and rape. I have been passed over for promotions and paid less for doing the same work. I have been a nurturer, a sharer, and a caregiver because that was what I was raised to do. But those characteristics of womanhood are artificial. They are not what it really means to be a woman. Yes, I have given birth to children. But that is not what makes me a woman. And there is so much more to me. If I dig deep, down below the layers of “womanhood” that have been painted over me like varnish, I find many, many things. Among other things, I find a hunter. I find a warrior. I find a builder. I find a planter of seeds and a sharer of songs. I find my authentic self. These things are not dictated by my gender. When I dig down deep below the layers of varnish on the men I know, I find caregivers. I find nurturers. I find givers. Yes, maybe they are builders and hunters, but they are so much more. Toxic masculinity isn’t toxic because it’s masculinity. It’s toxic when it place limits on people. Toxic masculinity is oppressive to both men and women. Femininity can also be toxic when it is limiting, considered less than, or when it’s considered to be a trait that is unappealing in men. The belief that men cannot have a feminine side is toxic. When men and women share the roles of giving, nurturing, and caring, and when men and women can have both masculine and feminine qualities, then it’s no longer toxic. I do not need to be part of a community that excludes men in any way, or that holds up “feminine” traits while excluding “male” traits. I need to be part of a community where “human” traits are valued and shared by all genders, including the human traits of sharing, giving, caregiving, and nurturing.

Today is Sunday October 13, 2019, 6:31 a.m. Pacific Time
It's currently 49 degrees with 14% humidity. Today's high is forecast for 81 degrees and the low will be 53. It will be partly sunny.
The moon phase is Waxing Gibbous 98% illuminated
According to https://www.archaeoastronomy.com/, Samhain will be on Thursday, November 7, 2019 at 9:14 a.m. Pacific Time. That's in 25 days. Of course, the celebrations will begin on October 24, and continue on through the weekend of November 9.

I saw my doctor about my sleep issues, and he provided a simple solution: No tv or reading in bed. Not even thinking, planning or ruminating. He said, do not lie down on the bed until you are ready to sleep. He suggested a much later bedtime - 11:00 p.m., to ensure that I actually sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. He said, if you wake up in the night and are unable to return to sleep, to get out of bed and do something until you are sleepy again. I was very skeptical, but did as he suggested.

To my astonishment, it worked like a charm. I felt unwell after the 11:00 bedtime because of our early wake-up time, so started getting ready at 9:00 with a target of being asleep at 10:00.

I had been going upstairs to lie down an hour or two before bedtime, reading and streaming Netflix, Amazon or Hulu, and then turning the lights out at the normal time. It was my favorite time of the day, time for quiet and unwinding. Downstairs, the menfolk are in the family room, streaming vampires, gun fights and car crashes on the big screen in stereo. Upstairs, I'm watching historical period dramas, feel-good reality shows, cooking and baking contests and travel documentaries. These types of shows put me in a positive frame of mind for sleeping with low anxiety and nice dreams.

Now, if I want to read I find another quiet place in the house, away from the bedroom. If I want to watch tv after 8:00 p.m., my husband and I will watch something more positive in the family room. Lately, it's been things like The Voice, the Masked Singer, and Songland. I love to unwind with edgier things, and find that they help me work out the stress related to my work, but not right before bed.

I've also cut out drinking fluids after about 7:00 p.m., except a few herbs in tincture form: Ashwaganda, Holy Basil, and Passion Flower. I've also cut most of the other supplements for sleep - even the melatonin. They are on hand in case of a repeat of insomnia, but they have not been needed. Occasionally, I've been using the sleep spray when awakening at 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. To compensate for no fluids after 7:00 p.m., I've been drinking a large glass of water first thing in the morning, sipping throughout the day, and then another glass right after work, in order to not need to drink at night. That may not work so well when the weather turns hot again.

We still play sleep music at night, mainly because we like it. We use Amazon streaming with my phone, connected to a Bluetooth speaker. For some reason, even though we have eleven hours of music on that playlist, it keeps cutting off in the middle of the night. If I wake up and it's off, I just turn it on again. It's mildly annoying, and my husband and I haven't figured out what's causing it to stop playing. There doesn't seem to be a discernible pattern to it. I'm about ready to go old school and burn a CD with the music in WAV format.

I'm still wearing the sleep mask, too. There is something about slipping on the mask and sliding down over my eyes that helps put me immediately in the right frame of mind to go to sleep. It's so comforting.

That's enough about sleep. Now, what about Samhain? Well, I think we are going to be pretty low-key this year. I am currently taking my CEs and studying for testing to renew my license for my job, so there isn't a lot of spare time this year.

In my area, the season kicks off with the Rennaisance Fair at around the second weekend of the month, which is taking place this weekend. We like to go, but we have never stayed with the guild for the weekend. We tend to show up for a few hours when we go. This is because having a disabled child all these years, he can be a handful. He's a sweetheart, but by the time he's asked you if you like Star Wars for the 30th time, it can be wearying. Also, he requires direct supervision and has medical needs. Even now, at nearly 21, he shows signs of maturity but we still need to limit our involvement. I would love for us to be able to go for the whole week, helping to set up and being involved in the activities, but we would have to figure out how to keep our son occupied in a way that makes him happy and doesn't impact everyone else.

Next, the Samhain season kicks off. Usually the first event of the season is the Witches and Wizards Ball. My husband and I have never been, because finding a babysitter for the night, especially with a disabled child, has been challenging. We have had babysitters on occasion, but I think that combined with the need to put a fancy costume together, stay out most of the night and sleep most of the day the next day, it has always been just a little out of reach for us both financially and in terms of time. Now that the boys are grown, it might be nice to go one year, even though we are middle-aged now and staying out all night for a ball seems a bit much for us.

The next weekend is typically BoneDance, which is an all-night alchemical fire circle held out in the desert. It opens and closes with beautiful rituals, and throughout the night if the participants need to rest, we do so in sleeping areas that we set up nearby. We often call these sleeping areas, "nests," and everyone has their own way to set their area up. In years past, we would set up a tent with sleeping bags for the family. The boys would usually sleep through the night to the sounds of singing and drumming, and my husband and I would go in for naps. This year, I thought it might be nice to rent an RV for the weekend since we are getting older and sleeping on the ground isn't as easy as it was. But, due to the CEs we will probably miss it this year, sadly.

Then on the following weekend, we have the Samhain ritual for the circle that we belong to. This year, I have volunteered to lead some chants in order to help the participants stay engaged and focused as they move from one area to another. I've ordered a new dress for the occasion. It's black of course, and long and flowing, and it looks like it will be possible to put some layers underneath for warmth. I have the stereotypical long, hooded, velour black cloak, which is impregnated with wax from dripping candles and has small holes from sparks from many years of fires, but I don't think I'll wear it this year. Instead, I think I'll go with soft thermal layers under the dress, maybe even a thin black turtleneck knit, a head wrap and a soft flowing black shawl that can be put aside if it's too warm.

Sprinkled throughout these events, there are typically workshops and parties, with people gathering to prepare and set things up, and other groups and circles which hold open events. It's a wonderful, festive time of year. This year, our participation will be minimal, but I hope we will be able to do more in years to come.

Privately for Samhain, we have our own family traditions. At our house, we stopped calling the Samhain meal the Dumb Supper years ago. We call it the Silent Supper. We set one extra place to represent those we are remembering. Sometimes, we will place tokens on the table to help us remember then. I save memorial cards from funerals and get those out at Samhain. We typically prepare the foods that were favored by family members who passed on. If we speak during the meal, we talk about our memories of the people who passed. This tradition comes from when the boys were small, and it was not practical to ask them to not speak during a meal. So instead, we had conversations but kept directing the topic back to remembering. In years past, we would leave the front and back doors of our home open, with the screen doors closed of course, and we would create a path of glowing tea light candles from the front and back doors to our dining table, meant to guide the spirits to us. This year, I think we will take a more minimalist approach, make the meal, and talk about how our grandmothers taught us to prepare the dishes. We won't light extra candles, or use special decorations. We'll save that for another year.

One thing that I love to do during this time of year, is to visit my local Mexican bakery and buy Pan De Los Muertos. We are not a Mexican family, and we do not practice those traditions - we do not set up an ofrenda etc. We are careful not to appropriate the culture. But we do enjoy the bread every year.

I've noticed that our customs and traditions and level of involvement has ebbed and flowed throughout the years, but we always do something to pause and acknowledge the season. We may give out candy to trick or treaters some years, and some years we do not. We like to watch specific films during this time of year, and we keep DVDs on hand for this. I like to watch "The Red Violin," "Waking Life," the 2003 Russian film, "The Cuckoo," and we recently added "Coco" to the collection. Sometimes on Halloween night, we might watch a ghost movie, like "The Sixth Sense." It depends on our mood. There are so many different movies with a ghost theme - you can select anything from creepy and horrifying, to a comedy like "Ghostbusters," or a romance like "Ghost."

Today is Saturday, September 28, 2019.
It's currently 78 degrees, but today's high will be 87 and the low is forecast for 60 degrees.
The moon phase is Waning Crescent 2% illuminated

Only four hours last night, according to my fitbit. I feel blah. Last night, I stayed up later than usual because I don't have to work today. But I had my usual restless night, and was up at six a.m. just like clockwork. I stayed in bed until 7:30 am and tried to go back to sleep, but eventually gave up.

I love staying up late. It seems to me as if I enjoyed art, music, culture, politics, ideas etc., so much more at night. I am definitely a night owl. However, on most days I need to be up at 6:00 a.m. due to my present situation, and now my inner alarm clock kicks in at 6:00 a.m. I have an adult son who is disabled and goes to adult daycare, and a bus picks him up each morning. He is not going to put himself on that bus.

For now, no matter how tempting it is to stay up on the weekend, I think I need to try to stay with the 8:00 bedtime, to compensate for the restlessness. Let's see how that goes.

What else is going on? After 1 year and 9 months at my current job, I'm starting to finally feel marginally competent, although I really think that our work tools could be more efficient and user-friendly. Much of what we do could be more automated, but that would require new technology. As a result, the job is much harder to do than it should be, and each task is more labor-intensive than it ought to be, there are more opportunities for error, and the workflow process is inefficient. I see tenured employees with several more years of experience than I have, making errors that could easily be avoided with better technology. There is just too much that needs to be checked and tracked. I love the job, love the company, but I feel like it would be less stressful and easier to be successful with better tools. And yes, the company is working on improving the workflow process, but they are doing it more by trying to get everyone to follow the same procedures manually, rather than upgrading the technology. But I get it - the technology is very expensive. So, here we are.

Recently, I attended the Feast of the Muses, which is a gathering of like-minded individuals who celebrate the Fall Equinox by honoring the Muses. For next year, I would like to keep in mind that while it was very warm during the day, the temperature dipped as soon as it became dark, and even though it wasn't very cool, it felt cool to those of us who are acclimated to summer heat. Next year, I want to remember to bring a himation to wrap up in when it gets cooler.

Sometime in the past year, I started to experience chronic insomnia at levels that were starting to impact my health and functionality.

I think it's coming from several things; having to visit the bathroom in the middle of the night, fluctuations in body temperature, joint pain, backaches, and anxiety.

In order to get the problem under control, I've put some effort into increasing the quantity and quality of my sleep. There are a number of things that I do.

*Measure: I've started using a Fitbit to track my sleep.

*Media: During the 3 hours period between dinner time and bedtime, I monitor what expose myself to and how it affects me. I do not like it when people tell me what I should or shouldn't watch, talk about, or think about. I do like to keep up with current events, even if politics and world events are distressing. I like movies and media with a dark theme. But I try to avoid those things right before bed, particularly on work nights. Instead, I focus on things with an uplifting, hopeful, or healing theme. Stories about tragedy and adversity are fine as long as it shows human resilience and the ability to overcome. Things that are too dark, bleak, or hopeless can impact the quality of my sleep if I watch them too late in the evening.

*Bedding: I make sure that my bed, pillows, blankets, and sleeping area are comfortable. A quality mattress is a good investment. Years ago, I used to tuck my blanket and sheet under me so that my partner can't accidentally pull it off of me while sleeping, and I felt badly if I accidentally uncovered him. Now, we each have our own top sheet and blanket. No more tugging. I need three pillows, he only needs two. It's important to figure out what works best for the individual.

*Readiness: I arrange the area around the bed so that I can easily find anything I need in the night, such as water, tissues, lip balm, and medicine. One night, I awoke with a splitting headache. By the time I went downstairs, found a bottle of pain reliever, found my glasses, studied the label, and figured out how many capsules to take, I was wide awake. Now there is a bottle of pain reliever by the bedside where I can easily find it, and I wrote how many capsules to take with a sharpie in large print, so it's easy to see. This way, I can quickly take care of whatever I need and go straight back to sleep.

*Herbs and supplements for sleep and anxiety: There are several. Passionflower, Holy Basil, Ashwagandha, Valerian Root, Blue Skullcap, and Gingko Biloba, as well as melatonin, tryptophan, magnesium, l-theanine, Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid, (GABA), 5 HTP and glycine. Some are in tincture form, some are teas, some are in capsules, some are powders dissolved in water, and I even have a spray that can be taken in the middle of the night to go back to sleep. If things really get rowdy, I can take an over the counter sleep aid, but I try to avoid them. Cannabis is legal in my state, but I don't care for it. Again, everyone needs to figure out what works for them.

*Aromatherapy: I use a lavender pillow spray, and I also diffuse essential oils.

*Sleep music: Certain music designed for sleep can help a lot. In particular, binaural beats music designed for sleep seems to help me get into a very deep sleep. Nature music also seems to help, such as recordings of rainfall and ocean waves, but the binaural beats seem to help ensure a deeper sleep.

*Sleep mask: These days, our bedroom contains many electronic devices with small led lights that cast a glow throughout the room. There is never a need for a night light. Wearing a sleep mask shuts out all disruptive light and helps facilitate sleep. It doesn't have to be frilly - there are comfortable, effective ones available.

Today is Saturday, March 2, 2019
It's about 69 degrees Fahrenheit, and it rained this morning.

Today we are cleaning and decluttering, which is something we like to do for a couple of hours most Saturdays. We eat a nice breakfast or go out for coffee, set a timer for 2 hours, put on some music, and do the white tornado. The house is never completely clean, but it's better than it would be if we did nothing.

As we clean, things we no longer need go into a pile for the local charity. I wait until we have enough things to justify the trip, and then I go and drop them off.

Even with all the decluttering we do, the house is still cluttered. And that's the way I like it. I know that not everyone likes clutter, and some people hate it, but this is my house, and in my house I live by my rules.

Recently I walked through one of the big warehouse stores, and realized that at some point in my adult life, I have purchased just about every item in that store at least once. Things like an ironing board, a teakettle, a hot water bottle, and some crutches. I really don't like buying something twice. If a can opener breaks, fine, I'll buy a new one, but it irritates me to have to buy a new thing because I was overzealous during a cleaning spree and threw the old thing out.

One of the reasons there is so much clutter in my home is that there are four of us living here, and we all have a lot of interests. When you have hobbies and activities, often that leads to having things for doing the activities.

We've seen Marie Kondo's show about tidying up, and it does offer a helpful perspective. I find that I bristle when someone calls the clutter, "garbage," or "junk." These are items that we brought in our home at some point for some reason. These items may no longer have value for us, but they might be used by someone else, or they might be re-purposed.

We all know that our behavior has consequences. If you don't get out of bed in the morning, you don't make it to work. If you don't make it to work, you lose your job. If you lose your job, you could end up homeless.

Be rude to your friends, and you'll have no friends. Drink alcohol and drive a car, and you could go to jail.

The consequences that people experience can vary depending on things like privilege and circumstance. For example, for years, there was little to no consequence to behaviors like sexual harassment and rape, but thankfully that's changing.

But what if you had so much privilege and wealth that there was virtually no consequence for anything you do? What if you could just settle lawsuits out of court, hire the best attorneys, and pretty much do whatever you please?

In psychology, locus of control refers to the idea that some people have a strong external locus of control, meaning a belief that one's behavior and experiences are determined by luck, circumstances, people, and other external factors. Internal locus of control means that they attribute their success to their own effort.

The problem with this idea is that no one has complete control over their circumstances, so two people can work equally hard and have completely different outcomes. No one's outcomes are completely determined by external or internal factors. A person with a naturally high IQ will typically do better in school than a person with a lower IQ, if they both put in the same amount of effort.

When I use the term " internal VS external structure," I am thinking about this in terms of behavioral control as it differs from locus of control in the field of psychology. I'm referring to the real consequences and real circumstances that motivate us to modify our own behavior. A person with very little self discipline and very little self control might need a very controlled environment with a great deal of structure, such as a prison, a group home, or the military. Public schools tend to have a great deal of external structure, because each day is strictly scheduled and each student is expected to be at their assigned place on time, doing exactly what the instructor directs them to do. Places like prisons, group homes, public schools, and the military help individuals achieve greater success than they would in an environment with little structure. This is not meant to be a bad thing. Most of us do better with a certain amount of external structure in our lives.

People with little self discipline or self control may not thrive in an environment that isn't heavily structured, unless they have a great deal of privilege and wealth to insulate them from the consequences of their actions. Even then, this can be a tragedy because of the potential loss of potential and damage to the person's character. Being wealthy might help a person find an attractive person to marry, but one can't buy a happy marriage. Being wealthy might help a person fund a presidential campaign, but that won't make a person an effective president.

I think that many of us might benefit from examining how much external structure exists in our lives, versus how much we need, and how we might greater improve our own self determination. Things like having defined personal values that we live by, (walking our talk,) personal goals, credos, etc., can provide us with an internal structure to help us be more successful.