chasmodai

I am a cis born woman. From my birth, certain limitations and expectations have been placed on me. Over the decades, I have withstood domestic violence, workplace harassment, and rape. I have been passed over for promotions and paid less for doing the same work. I have been a nurturer, a sharer, and a caregiver because that was what I was raised to do. But those characteristics of womanhood are artificial. They are not what it really means to be a woman. Yes, I have given birth to children. But that is not what makes me a woman. And there is so much more to me. If I dig deep, down below the layers of “womanhood” that have been painted over me like varnish, I find many, many things. Among other things, I find a hunter. I find a warrior. I find a builder. I find a planter of seeds and a sharer of songs. I find my authentic self. These things are not dictated by my gender. When I dig down deep below the layers of varnish on the men I know, I find caregivers. I find nurturers. I find givers. Yes, maybe they are builders and hunters, but they are so much more. Toxic masculinity isn’t toxic because it’s masculinity. It’s toxic when it place limits on people. Toxic masculinity is oppressive to both men and women. Femininity can also be toxic when it is limiting, considered less than, or when it’s considered to be a trait that is unappealing in men. The belief that men cannot have a feminine side is toxic. When men and women share the roles of giving, nurturing, and caring, and when men and women can have both masculine and feminine qualities, then it’s no longer toxic. I do not need to be part of a community that excludes men in any way, or that holds up “feminine” traits while excluding “male” traits. I need to be part of a community where “human” traits are valued and shared by all genders, including the human traits of sharing, giving, caregiving, and nurturing.